I've been back for over a month now, and it seems I'm still having some reverse culture shock. At first, it manifested as irritation towards my kids. I couldn't stand the slightest whiny tone in Matthew when he'd complain about what I'd made for dinner, and it made my blood boil to hear Noelle tell me how much she NEEDED that new game for the iTouch. I took every opportunity to tell them that I had not only SEEN the starving kids in Africa, but I also knew their NAMES and had the pictures to prove it.
Then, my reverse culture shock manifested as criticism and disdain towards everyone in the United States, as I thought, "We are so messed up. We have SO much, yet we are programmed to always want more...nothing is ever good enough." It felt like everyone was complaining about something, and I couldn't help but think about the people I met in South Africa...how there was zero complaining, even though Apartheid and rampant disease had ravaged their communities.
Can you tell I felt so justified in my judgments??!
It finally took a meltdown on Easter (and some words of wisdom from my husband) to knock me off of my high horse. I was so irritated at the consumerism and commercialism of Easter- and basically every other holiday we celebrate- that I told Noelle and Matthew that the Easter Bunny doesn't really exist.
Well, that's what I'd like to think...actually, I burst the Easter Bunny bubble because I was angry and my feelings were hurt. At our house, the Easter bunny always brings new pajamas. This year, they not only got the pajamas, but I threw in some new bath soap and bath sponges, thinking they'd really like the "bonus gifts".
On Easter morning, as the kids opened up their bags from the Easter Bunny, their response was a bit lackluster. Matthew's face fell as he quickly rifled through the PJs and bath stuff...in a pouty, whiny voice he asked, "Don't I get any toys??" Oh, and did I mention they had already received Easter baskets from their grandparents and babysitter that were generously filled with toys and goodies??
I couldn't believe the level of entitlement and ungratefulness. Anger stirred, tears came to my eyes, I looked at Gary and said in a whisper, "This is rough." I ran into our bedroom and cried. And while I was at it, I also cursed the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, and Hallmark.
Gary calmly talked to the kids. I don't know exactly what he said, but shortly thereafter they both walked into the bedroom with hugs and apologies. I told them I had forgiven them, and without thinking, said, "I'm sorry you didn't like your gifts. I thought you'd like them." Noelle caught on right away and started asking questions. "What do you mean, Mommy? I thought the Easter Bunny brought us those gifts. Did YOU buy those for us??"
Ugh. I was stuck and didn't know what to say. I was also still a little hurt and upset, so I said, "I don't want to talk about this right now, go talk to Daddy." Poor Gary. Now that I think about it, he's the one that burst the Easter Bunny bubble! And the kids actually handled it really well...I was the one that was a mess for quite a while afterward. Feeling guilty, beating myself up, wondering if I had ruined Easter forever for Noelle and Matthew because of my selfishness.
Gary and I talked about it later. He was so good about validating my feelings, and also sharing that he had similar frustrations when he came back from his trip to India. He pointed out that India and Africa have such obvious poverty and disease...but that America has it's own "disease" too, called materialism and entitlement. That made so much sense to me. Going away to South Africa and being immersed in that culture allowed me to see how much materialism, commercialism, and distraction I had been immersed in here in my own culture.
As I processed through this more, a few things became clear to me. Noelle and Matthew didn't become entitled and whiny overnight on their own. I've played a very active part in it. Also, I won't solve the problem by being judgmental, critical, and irritable. For example, I don't want the kids to think that mommy comes home from a mission trip meaner than before she left.
I realize that I don't want to live a materialistic, distracted life. I want to be tuned into people, not things...relationships, not to-do lists. It's a daily battle for me to choose to live this way. I've had to delete my Facebook app off of my phone because I was checking it obsessively throughout the day (even at stop lights in the car)...I've had to say no to great opportunities and activities in order to protect our family time at the dinner table...I've had to take an honest look at what my actions and words communicate to my kids about priorities and values. And every day, I pray for God's guidance and grace because there's no way I can do this on my own...and clearly, if left to my own devices, I'd just cry and yell a lot!
GREAT post! I always feel meaner when I come home and I've had to run and hide before the tears explode all over my face. And, like you, I also never want to lose what I've learned through the stretching.
ReplyDeleteWell said. Glad you shared this.
ReplyDeleteKaren, thanks for sharing! Don't feel bad about getting frustrated. Its how you react when your kids question why you are upset that matters- be patient and truthful and they will understand because you are their #1 teacher. I actually enjoyed the way your experience came full circle. Gary is a good man to help you through these times and no doubt you do the same for him when he needs it too. All I can say, is if you want them to learn this lesson faster, go broke :O) We tried it and it works very well LOL. We are just beginning to get out of that hole and there is one great thing for sure that came from that and it is the kindness and appreciation for everything and every one that my kids have now. - Cathy P
ReplyDeleteThis touched me deeply Karen. You are an amazing woman.
ReplyDeleteToday at lunch I realized that I had an abundance of eggs so Ewan and I were definitely having omelettes (my chicks lay 5-6 per day!). I also had a plumber here doing some work and realized that I could give him a dozen and still have a few more after Ewan and I ate lunch.
ReplyDeleteSo when I asked him if he would like to have them (there are a ton of vegans here you know) he replied not only would he love to have them, but because he is a single parent, they were much appreciated but also would help. I felt happy to help and was glad to know that they would be feeding his kids.
I then spent the next 10 minutes making beautiful omelettes for me and Ewan with tomatoes, avocado and onion. I was really proud and when we sat down to eat, I thanked my girls as I always do for producing such amazing and healthy eggs.
Then it started. Ewan DID NOT want eggs. And WAS NOT going to eat them. That we always have SO MANY eggs. And then he folded his arms and grunted out a HUMPPH!
So in one of my better parenting moments, I flipped. I explained to him that the plumber's kids were thankful to have these eggs and that just because the girls give them to us every day does not mean that everyone has so many eggs and that now he was going to sit until he ate every single bite. He still refused and so I spoon fed him. Every. Single. Bite.
Yep. Mother of the year.
Great post Karen! I appreciate your openness in the process you're going through.
ReplyDelete