A Peek Into My Journal

I like to journal.  There are times I journal every day, and other times when a week or more goes by in between.  During those "in between" times, I enjoy flipping back through the past months looking at what was on my mind, what I was praying about, what was significant at that particular time.

This morning I had a rare opportunity of extended quiet time.  The rest of the house was sleeping in, and I was able to sit on the couch, tucked cozy in my little corner with my warm cup of coffee and my journal.

I thought about writing, but instead felt compelled to look back to see what had been on my mind a year ago.  I came upon a series of questions I'd been given to reflect on and answer about Gary and the kids.  I don't recall exactly what the instructions were, but it was something like pray and ask God to show you how He sees your spouse and kids.

I have to admit, I went into it wondering if I'd hear anything. 

Well, it was more than I could imagine.  I couldn't write the words down fast enough in my journal; it was as if my pencil had a mind of its own.  And the words came out as if God was speaking directly to my heart:

For Gary..."He is strong.  He loves deeply because I love him deeply.  He is more than a conqueror.  Allow him to protect you.  Honor and respect him.  Encourage him.  Be intentional about loving him.  Make him feel like he's number one on this earth.  Don't give him the leftovers after the kids and everyone else at the end of the day.  Make and take time for each other.  Unplug.  Simple things like taking walks together and conversations.  Admire each other and what you have.  Seek Me together.  You are more powerful for Me working together rather than separately."

For Noelle..."She is a beautiful creation: sensitive, observant, trusting, tenderhearted, wonderfully dynamic, smart, thoughtful, and desperate for your time.  She is observing and learning every second.  Treat her with care- words mean a lot to her.  Harshness does not work with her.  She has leadership with heart, compassion with an edge.  Keep her strong and spiritually fit.  Don't shut her down- be open, talk.  She is experiencing emotions beyond her years.  Invest in her now- she will bear much fruit and influence many."

For Matthew..."He is all heart, full of love...a giant.  Favor is on him.  He knows Me already.  Feed his wonder."

These words still pierce my heart every time I read them.  I'm so thankful for these insights.  I could never come up with this stuff on my own, nor find it in a book on parenting.  It's one-of-a-kind, completely tailored to who Gary and my kids are. 

I'm also disappointed in myself for the many times I fall short of heeding the wise counsel I've been given...when I'm unnecessarily harsh on Noelle, when I hurry Matthew along or get annoyed at his constant questioning, when I choose a mindless TV show over spending time with Gary. 

It's a good reminder to me that I can't do this marriage and parenting thing on my own.  And it's a timely reminder, as I adjust to being home with the kids this summer. 

I don't think my extended quiet time this morning was a coincidence...it was just what I needed.

Just a typical day of reverse culture shock and meltdowns...

I've been back for over a month now, and it seems I'm still having some reverse culture shock.  At first, it manifested as irritation towards my kids.  I couldn't stand the slightest whiny tone in Matthew when he'd complain about what I'd made for dinner, and it made my blood boil to hear Noelle tell me how much she NEEDED that new game for the iTouch.  I took every opportunity to tell them that I had not only SEEN the starving kids in Africa, but I also knew their NAMES and had the pictures to prove it.

Then, my reverse culture shock manifested as criticism and disdain towards everyone in the United States, as I thought, "We are so messed up.  We have SO much, yet we are programmed to always want more...nothing is ever good enough."  It felt like everyone was complaining about something, and I couldn't help but think about the people I met in South Africa...how there was zero complaining, even though Apartheid and rampant disease had ravaged their communities.

Can you tell I felt so justified in my judgments??!

It finally took a meltdown on Easter (and some words of wisdom from my husband) to knock me off of my high horse.  I was so irritated at the consumerism and commercialism of Easter- and basically every other holiday we celebrate- that I told Noelle and Matthew that the Easter Bunny doesn't really exist. 

Well, that's what I'd like to think...actually, I burst the Easter Bunny bubble because I was angry and my feelings were hurt.  At our house, the Easter bunny always brings new pajamas.  This year, they not only got the pajamas, but I threw in some new bath soap and bath sponges, thinking they'd really like the "bonus gifts".

On Easter morning, as the kids opened up their bags from the Easter Bunny, their response was a bit lackluster.  Matthew's face fell as he quickly rifled through the PJs and bath stuff...in a pouty, whiny voice he asked, "Don't I get any toys??"  Oh, and did I mention they had already received Easter baskets from their grandparents and babysitter that were generously filled with toys and goodies??

I couldn't believe the level of entitlement and ungratefulness.  Anger stirred, tears came to my eyes, I looked at Gary and said in a whisper, "This is rough."  I ran into our bedroom and cried.  And while I was at it, I also cursed the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, and Hallmark.

Gary calmly talked to the kids.  I don't know exactly what he said, but shortly thereafter they both walked into the bedroom with hugs and apologies.  I told them I had forgiven them, and without thinking, said, "I'm sorry you didn't like your gifts.  I thought you'd like them."  Noelle caught on right away and started asking questions.  "What do you mean, Mommy?  I thought the Easter Bunny brought us those gifts.  Did YOU buy those for us??" 

Ugh.  I was stuck and didn't know what to say.  I was also still a little hurt and upset, so I said, "I don't want to talk about this right now, go talk to Daddy."  Poor Gary.  Now that I think about it, he's the one that burst the Easter Bunny bubble!  And the kids actually handled it really well...I was the one that was a mess for quite a while afterward.  Feeling guilty, beating myself up, wondering if I had ruined Easter forever for Noelle and Matthew because of my selfishness. 

Gary and I talked about it later.  He was so good about validating my feelings, and also sharing that he had similar frustrations when he came back from his trip to India.  He pointed out that India and Africa have such obvious poverty and disease...but that America has it's own "disease" too, called materialism and entitlement.  That made so much sense to me.  Going away to South Africa and being immersed in that culture allowed me to see how much materialism, commercialism, and distraction I had been immersed in here in my own culture. 

As I processed through this more, a few things became clear to me.  Noelle and Matthew didn't become entitled and whiny overnight on their own.  I've played a very active part in it.  Also, I won't solve the problem by being judgmental, critical, and irritable.  For example, I don't want the kids to think that mommy comes home from a mission trip meaner than before she left. 

I realize that I don't want to live a materialistic, distracted life.  I want to be tuned into people, not things...relationships, not to-do lists.  It's a daily battle for me to choose to live this way.  I've had to delete my Facebook app off of my phone because I was checking it obsessively throughout the day (even at stop lights in the car)...I've had to say no to great opportunities and activities in order to protect our family time at the dinner table...I've had to take an honest look at what my actions and words communicate to my kids about priorities and values.  And every day, I pray for God's guidance and grace because there's no way I can do this on my own...and clearly, if left to my own devices, I'd just cry and yell a lot!

Breaking Ground

Back on February 28th, I wrote about a family of 5 orphans: http://www.kngminer.blogspot.com/2012/02/not-forgotten.html Their parents were gone, and the eldest sister, Nelsisiwe, had assumed responsibility for caring for her siblings.

This story really touched my heart, as I could not imagine being 20 years old, with so much burden and responsibility...barely getting by with little food, and even less money. Living in a tiny, one-room house, all five kids cramming into one bed every night. 

I was encouraged to hear that Ten Thousand Homes (http://www.tenthousandhomes.org ) had come alongside Neli to help her. She would no longer have to bear this burden alone. Ten Thousand Homes would be building a new home for Neli and her family, and in the process, show her love, support, and hope.


Little did I know when I first blogged about this family, that I'd get the chance to see them and spend time with them during my trip. Our team was invited by the Ten Thousand Homes staff to attend the groundbreaking ceremony for Neli and her family. It was a beautiful and powerful scene, watching the TTH staff, community volunteers, neighbors, and our New Hope team surround this family to stand with them, pray for them, hug them, and begin work on their new home.










I got to meet 20 year old Nelsisiwe. She was shy, quiet, and sweet. She seemed overwhelmed by the attention and sheer number of people who had shown up.

I got to meet her 9 year old brother. I stood next to him for a long time, scratching his back the way Matthew likes me to scratch his back. Every few minutes I'd ask him, "Do you want me to keep scratching?" Every time I'd ask, he'd look up at me, smile, nod his head, and say, "Yes, more."

I watched as this sweet boy took a shovel and began working to break ground on the home that he would be responsible for protecting. Tears welled up in my eyes. No nine year old should have to be the MAN of the house.

This was a day that marked a turning point for this family.  They were no longer alone.  They were now known, seen, supported, and loved. 

This was also a day that marked a turning point for me.  The South African orphan crisis now had names, faces, and a personal story that I had seen and touched first-hand. 

I pray every day for Nelsisiwe and her siblings.  I also pray for the Ten Thousand Homes staff and volunteers who will work countless hours to build this home and build relationship with this sweet family.  It's so much more than a house.  It's a symbol of hope...a symbol of community...a reminder that each one of us counts and is worth it...a reminder that we are in this together...a picture of God's love.


(Thank you, Lindsey K, for the incredible pictures!)




 

I'm Back!

I'm back from South Africa! Our team arrived home this past Friday night, after approximately 30 hours of travel from Johannesberg to Amsterdam to Memphis, and then finally, to Dallas.

It was an incredible trip. It was more than incredible, actually. I wish I had the words to adequately describe it. Maybe in time I'll be able to articulate it, but for now, I'm still digesting and processing all I saw and experienced.

Unfortunately, internet service was very sporadic during the trip, so I wasn't able to log any updates. I did a lot of journaling, though, and I think the best way for me to share the trip with you is through my daily journal entries.

Before I get into the stories, I want to say how thankful I am for all of your support- the prayers, the donations, the emails, cards, the care you showed to Gary and the kids while I was gone- it was overwhelming and so very appreciated. I couldn't have gone on this trip without your help, and I'm eternally grateful. Thank you!! Gary and I feel very fortunate to have such great family and friends who so willingly share of their time and resources. I carried each of you with me on the trip and thought of you often.

I hope the stories and pictures I share convey how much this country and it's people touched my heart. I'd love to go back to South Africa again someday. I hope, if given the opportunity, YOU choose to go on a trip like this. It will change your perspective and your heart, and open your eyes to family you didn't even know you had.

Here is my journal entry from the last full day we were in South Africa. It summarizes the whole experience for me. More stories to come, but I thought this would be a good place to start!

March 14, 2012.....Family

Lord, thank you for teaching me about family. And helping me to see that I have a lot to learn. Before I left for South Africa, I felt you were wanting to increase my sense of family. For me to realize and see first hand that I have sisters, brothers, mothers and fathers across the Earth. You wanted me to see that we are more alike than different, and that we can all teach each other and learn from one another. I feel this way about the people of SA, the staff at Ten Thousand Homes, and my New Hope team. You've showed me that "family" first comes from being rooted in Your love- praying and communicating with You about everything, taking time to listen, and trusting that You created me exactly how You want me. You've showed me that the more I accept and embrace who I am without comparison, the more You can use me for Your good. I've learned that, as I celebrate my design, I can more readily see, appreciate, and celebrate the way You've designed others.

I've seen such a beautiful picture of Your image during this trip- each person on our team using their giftings to accomplish Your purposes, all wrapped in a strong sense of unity, love, and family. We encouraged, challenged, called forth, stood with, prayed for, cried with, and rejoiced...together. Vastly different personalities, backgrounds, and experiences- but the same heart of God.

During the church service we attended in the Mbonsweni community, I sensed You were saying, "You are not foreigners in a foreign land, you are family." And then, when we were with the orphans, young adults and volunteers in Dwaleni and Mbonsweni, I felt you saying, "You are mine and they are mine- treat them like family." And again, with the New Hope team and Ten Thousand Homes staff, I felt you were telling me, "These are My children. I want you to fill them up. Encourage, listen, hug, value, connect. Guard and protect My unity among them." I'm so thankful for Your words, Your goodness, and Your kindness. I'm in awe of how You love each person on this Earth with a love that never ends.

Thank You for this experience. Thank you for increasing my family, and showing me Your heart for the people of Africa. Help me to bring back this strong sense of family and love, and share it with others at home. Help me put relationships and people ahead of my to-do lists. Help me remember to pray daily for the kids, the youth,and the community volunteers in Dwaleni and Mbonsweni, the Ten Thousand Homes staff on the front lines who pour out their lives every day.

Help me to put love into action.

Not Forgotten

I can't even imagine what it would be like to be 20 years old, and in charge of my 4 younger siblings. Our parents are gone, and all we have to live in is a small, windowless room with one queen-sized bed we all cram into each night. With no income, we rely on handouts from neighbors, barely getting by with basic needs from day-to-day. I wonder what that 20 year old goes through each day, what she thinks about, worries about, what she endures? Does she feel weary, hopeless, forgotten?

As I read the following email this morning from Ten Thousand Homes (http://www.tenthousandhomes.org/ ) I wondered how many more parentless families live like this every day in Africa. I got a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes as I read further about how the staff at TTH brought this sweet family love, hope, and resources. Not just a one-time handout, but tangible relationship, support, and help to better their lives.

I'm not sure how much my heart will be able to take what I'll see in South Africa. I have a feeling I'll see Noelle in each little girl, and Matthew in each little boy, and my heart will break for the youth and young adults who step up to be parents and providers WAY before their time.

I'm so encouraged by the work TTH is doing. Read below to see how they are bringing hope and a home to the family I described above:

Ten Thousand Homes staff members recently met five siblings in Dwaleni, ages 20, 17, 15, 9 and 2. They live in a small, windowless room and share one queen-sized bed. The children have no income and rely on whatever leftover food neighbors can spare. On our first visit to 20-year old Nelsisiwe’s family, we told her that God had not forgotten her. TTH staff members have been visiting this beautiful family regularly to show them that God responds to His children through His children. After only a few visits, bringing a week’s worth of groceries, and inviting local volunteers to intervene on behalf of this family, Nelsisiwe wiped away tears and said, “I am happy!” We are thrilled to announce that HOPE is already being built and construction for a new home will begin in March!

10 Days!

We leave in just 10 days. I don't think there's any way to truly prepare for a trip like this. I have a feeling that South Africa and its people are going to teach me WAY more than I could ever imagine.

As March 3rd nears, I get more excited...and I get more pangs of nervousness and anxiety. I'm having to trust at a new level, and it's definitely stretching me. One of the things that's helped a lot is memorizing the following verse: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7) Every time I start to worry, I repeat it and it calms me immediately.

I know that I'm supposed to be a part of this trip, and instead of worrying, I choose to dwell on the incredible adventure and opportunity I've been given. And I have a hunch that it's going to be an adventure for Gary and the kids too!

Here's a YouTube video of last year's trip to South Africa. It's so neat to see where I'll be going. The scenery is breathtaking, and I can't wait to see the sweet faces of the people there.

http://youtu.be/-zvLYP6chPk

Team Meetings

From now until we leave, our mission team will meet together every Thursday to prepare for our trip. We'll be learning more about the culture and the people we'll be working with. We'll also spend time bonding with each other, praying with each other, and learning how to work as a team.

As far as mission trip teams go, we're a big group...we have approximately 20 people going. It's a great mix of different ages (from high schoolers to grandparents), life stages and perspectives. It's also a bit overwhelming at times for me personally, since I'm such an introvert.

Speaking of overwhelming, I had a moment Wednesday night when I just broke down and cried on Gary's shoulder. I was feeling overwhelmed and underqualified for everything going on in my life right now. It felt like too much to handle. I said something like, "I don't feel like I'm doing anything well right now. I just want to quit everything." As soon as the words left my mouth I knew how silly they were. Thankfully Gary is the level-headed one in our relationship...he listened, talked me down from the ledge, and told me everything would be okay. I shared with him that I was afraid of leaving him and the kids for two weeks, and how sad I was about the fact we'll only have one 3-4 minute phone call while I'm gone. Even though I was a blubbering mess, it felt good to get it all out. Sometimes just getting things out of my head and into the light brings more clarity, perspective, and peace.

Our team meeting last night was great. Our flights and dates for the trip were confirmed. We're flying out of Dallas on Saturday, March 3, with layovers in New York and Amsterdam, before arriving Sunday in Johannesberg. Then, we'll leave South Africa on Thursday, March 15 and arrive back home Friday, March 16.

We also spent time talking about the different projects we'll be involved with while we're there. We'll be volunteering at two different feeding programs in the communities of Dwaleni and Mbonsweni, preparing and serving food. We're going to spend time with the kids in these communities (approximately 600 kids show up for food and love at these feedings)...we're planning to hand out goody bags to ALL of them. We'll also work with and invest in the youth there. These are just a few of the things we'll be doing while we're there; I'm sure it's going to be busy, active, exhausting, emotionally draining, and FUN!!

Thanks to all of you for joining along with me on this adventure...for your overwhelming interest, support, prayers and love. I couldn't do it without you!